The Accomplished Surgeon

It’s coming up on a year since I published my script collection, Hold On to the Good Stuff.  I realize not everyone has their own copy (which you can buy here), so here’s a sample for you: 

THE ACCOMPLISHED SURGEON

We open in an operating room.  A SURGEON is standing over an unconscious PATIENT with two ASSISTANTS standing on both sides. 

Surgeon:  I don’t need to remind both of you what’s on the line here.
Asst 1:  No, sir.
Asst 2:  We’re ready.
Surgeon:  Great.  Let’s do this.

Assistant 1 hands him the scalpel.

Surgeon:  What’s this for?
Asst 1:  The surgery.
Surgeon:  Come again?
Asst 2:  I thought you were ready to make the first incision.
Surgeon:  You mean, like cut him?
Asst 2:  Yes.
Surgeon:  This guy is sick.  I don’t see how attacking him will help.
Asst 1:  Not attack him, sir.  Cut him open.  You know, for the surgery?
Surgeon:  Wait a minute.  Let me get this right.  To do surgery, I have to cut him open?
Asst 2:  Yes, sir. 
Surgeon:  Do you have any idea how gross it is in there?  Besides, this guy’s got enough problems without me stabbing him.
Asst 2:  You’re not stabbing him.  You’re going to remove the infected area.
Surgeon:  And that involves cutting?
Asst 2:  Yes.
Surgeon:  Wow.  That’s disgusting.
Asst 1:  Are you sure you’re a surgeon?
Surgeon:  Yes.  I have a degree and everything.
Asst 1:  Then how do you not know that surgery involves cutting someone open?
Surgeon:  You say it like it’s common knowledge.
Asst 2:  It is.  My six year old knows that.
Surgeon:  Then maybe we should get him in here.
Asst 2:  Her.
Surgeon:  What?
Asst 2:  I have a daughter.
Surgeon:  Whatever.  I’m not cutting this guy open.
Asst 1:  You have to or you can’t get to the infected area.
Surgeon:  Is the infected area gross?
Asst 1:  Probably.
Surgeon:  Then hell no!
Asst 2:  Sir, I don’t know what’s going on with you, but this man’s life is on the line.
Surgeon:  Fine!  I’ll cut the idiot open.

He turns his head to the side so he’s not looking and starts to lower the knife.

Asst 1:  You should look while you’re doing it, sir.
Surgeon:  Alright, fine.

He looks down at the body and gathering all of his nerve, makes a long cut then quickly drops the scalpel and steps back.

Surgeon:  There you go.  He’s cut and we can go home.
Asst 2:  We still need to remove the infected area.
Surgeon:  Oh, come on!  What more do you want from me?
Asst 1:  Are you sure you’re really a surgeon?
Surgeon:  I’m wearing scrubs aren’t I?  Do you think you can get these without being a surgeon?
Asst 1:  We’re wearing them.
Surgeon:  And you’re not surgeons?
Asst 1 & 2:  No.
Surgeon:  So you can’t do it for me?
Asst 1&2:  No.
Surgeon:  Well you’ve really put me in a spot.  I guess I’ll have to do it.

He steps forward again and picks up the scalpel.

Surgeon:  You sure you guys can’t do this?
Asst 1&2:  Yes.
Surgeon:  I won’t tell if you don’t.
Asst 2:  Just get it out.

He puts his hands in and starts to move them around.

Surgeon:  Is this it?
Asst 1&2:  No.
Surgeon:  How about this?
Asst 1&2:  No.
Surgeon:  What about this hose thing?
Asst 1:  That’s his small intestine.
Surgeon:  So this big, bumpy one is…
Asst 1:  The large intestine.
Surgeon:  For not being a surgeon, you sure know a lot.
Asst 1:  It’s basic anatomy, sir.
Surgeon:  Then how come I don’t know it?
Asst 2:  We don’t dare guess.
Surgeon:  Oh my god!  Is that…
Asst 1:  The infected area?  Yes.
Surgeon:  That’s even grosser than the rest.
Asst 2:  It is infected.
Surgeon:  You ain’t kidding.  So I have to cut it out?
Asst 1:  Yes.

He picks up the scalpel and starts to work.

Surgeon:  I’m going to throw up.
Asst 2:  You shouldn’t.
Surgeon:  Duh!  It’s not like I want to.
Asst 1:  You got it.

He pulls it out, drops it and steps back.

Surgeon:  Oh, thank god! 

Another SURGEON walks in.

Surgeon 2:  I apologize about my tardiness.  Is the patient ready?
Asst 1:  Who are you?
Surgeon 2:  Dr. Patterson.  Is he open already?
Asst 2:  Yes.  The other surgeon did it.

The first Surgeon steps forward again.

Surgeon:  You’re welcome.
Surgeon 2:  Why did you operate on my patient?
Surgeon:  I’m a surgeon and they told me to come in here.
Surgeon 2:  You are?  I don’t recognize you.
Surgeon:  No?

He thinks for a minute, then snaps his finger.

Surgeon:  You know what?  I’m not a surgeon.
Surgeon 2:  What are you then?
Surgeon:  A civil engineer.  I get those confused.
Asst 1:  What are you talking about?  Since when does civil engineering involve operating on someone?
Surgeon:  I guess it doesn’t.  I just assumed it was something I forgot about.
Asst 2:  What kind of civil engineer are you?
Surgeon:  A bad one. 
Surgeon 2:  Get out of here! 
Surgeon:  No problem.

He starts to leave then turns around.

Surgeon:  I’ll tell you what, though, this job is gross and you are weird for wanting to do it.  I’ll go back to designing electronics.
Asst 2:  You mean roads?

He snaps his fingers and points at her.

Surgeon:  Correct.  I can see why he needs you.

He leaves.

THE END

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