It’s coming up on a year since I published my script collection, Hold On to the Good Stuff. I realize not everyone has their own copy (which you can buy here), so here’s a sample for you:
THE ACCOMPLISHED SURGEON
We open in an operating room. A SURGEON is standing over an unconscious PATIENT with two ASSISTANTS standing on both sides.
Surgeon: I don’t need to remind both of you what’s on the line here.
Asst 1: No, sir.
Asst 2: We’re ready.
Surgeon: Great. Let’s do this.
Assistant 1 hands him the scalpel.
Surgeon: What’s this for?
Asst 1: The surgery.
Surgeon: Come again?
Asst 2: I thought you were ready to make the first incision.
Surgeon: You mean, like cut him?
Asst 2: Yes.
Surgeon: This guy is sick. I don’t see how attacking him will help.
Asst 1: Not attack him, sir. Cut him open. You know, for the surgery?
Surgeon: Wait a minute. Let me get this right. To do surgery, I have to cut him open?
Asst 2: Yes, sir.
Surgeon: Do you have any idea how gross it is in there? Besides, this guy’s got enough problems without me stabbing him.
Asst 2: You’re not stabbing him. You’re going to remove the infected area.
Surgeon: And that involves cutting?
Asst 2: Yes.
Surgeon: Wow. That’s disgusting.
Asst 1: Are you sure you’re a surgeon?
Surgeon: Yes. I have a degree and everything.
Asst 1: Then how do you not know that surgery involves cutting someone open?
Surgeon: You say it like it’s common knowledge.
Asst 2: It is. My six year old knows that.
Surgeon: Then maybe we should get him in here.
Asst 2: Her.
Asst 2: I have a daughter.
Surgeon: Whatever. I’m not cutting this guy open.
Asst 1: You have to or you can’t get to the infected area.
Surgeon: Is the infected area gross?
Asst 1: Probably.
Surgeon: Then hell no!
Asst 2: Sir, I don’t know what’s going on with you, but this man’s life is on the line.
Surgeon: Fine! I’ll cut the idiot open.
He turns his head to the side so he’s not looking and starts to lower the knife.
Asst 1: You should look while you’re doing it, sir.
Surgeon: Alright, fine.
He looks down at the body and gathering all of his nerve, makes a long cut then quickly drops the scalpel and steps back.
Surgeon: There you go. He’s cut and we can go home.
Asst 2: We still need to remove the infected area.
Surgeon: Oh, come on! What more do you want from me?
Asst 1: Are you sure you’re really a surgeon?
Surgeon: I’m wearing scrubs aren’t I? Do you think you can get these without being a surgeon?
Asst 1: We’re wearing them.
Surgeon: And you’re not surgeons?
Asst 1 & 2: No.
Surgeon: So you can’t do it for me?
Asst 1&2: No.
Surgeon: Well you’ve really put me in a spot. I guess I’ll have to do it.
He steps forward again and picks up the scalpel.
Surgeon: You sure you guys can’t do this?
Asst 1&2: Yes.
Surgeon: I won’t tell if you don’t.
Asst 2: Just get it out.
He puts his hands in and starts to move them around.
Surgeon: Is this it?
Asst 1&2: No.
Surgeon: How about this?
Asst 1&2: No.
Surgeon: What about this hose thing?
Asst 1: That’s his small intestine.
Surgeon: So this big, bumpy one is…
Asst 1: The large intestine.
Surgeon: For not being a surgeon, you sure know a lot.
Asst 1: It’s basic anatomy, sir.
Surgeon: Then how come I don’t know it?
Asst 2: We don’t dare guess.
Surgeon: Oh my god! Is that…
Asst 1: The infected area? Yes.
Surgeon: That’s even grosser than the rest.
Asst 2: It is infected.
Surgeon: You ain’t kidding. So I have to cut it out?
Asst 1: Yes.
He picks up the scalpel and starts to work.
Surgeon: I’m going to throw up.
Asst 2: You shouldn’t.
Surgeon: Duh! It’s not like I want to.
Asst 1: You got it.
He pulls it out, drops it and steps back.
Surgeon: Oh, thank god!
Another SURGEON walks in.
Surgeon 2: I apologize about my tardiness. Is the patient ready?
Asst 1: Who are you?
Surgeon 2: Dr. Patterson. Is he open already?
Asst 2: Yes. The other surgeon did it.
The first Surgeon steps forward again.
Surgeon: You’re welcome.
Surgeon 2: Why did you operate on my patient?
Surgeon: I’m a surgeon and they told me to come in here.
Surgeon 2: You are? I don’t recognize you.
He thinks for a minute, then snaps his finger.
Surgeon: You know what? I’m not a surgeon.
Surgeon 2: What are you then?
Surgeon: A civil engineer. I get those confused.
Asst 1: What are you talking about? Since when does civil engineering involve operating on someone?
Surgeon: I guess it doesn’t. I just assumed it was something I forgot about.
Asst 2: What kind of civil engineer are you?
Surgeon: A bad one.
Surgeon 2: Get out of here!
Surgeon: No problem.
He starts to leave then turns around.
Surgeon: I’ll tell you what, though, this job is gross and you are weird for wanting to do it. I’ll go back to designing electronics.
Asst 2: You mean roads?
He snaps his fingers and points at her.
Surgeon: Correct. I can see why he needs you.